I need to be honest here and tell you that sport fishing is not my favorite pastime.  My wife is determined to make me a sport fisherman.   I fish for food.  It's a means to the end-I fish when I am hungry.   I have only "fished" once in my lifetime for the sake of fishing and I really did not enjoy it.  It may be hard for  you to believe that I acted as a fishing guide on the waters of Lake Minnetonka as a young boy and was paid for it.   I knew where and how to fish for crappies, blue gills, and sun fish.  It was about as hard as showing someone where the sun was going to set-in the west.

Growing up in Minnesota, I fished with a cane pole, bobber, hook, and worms.  It always worked.  I could catch as many crappies, blue gills, and sun fish as I wanted.  However, I was a super-hyper active child with little patience  waiting for a fish to bite.  If I knew that you could catch fish by throwing a stick of dynamite in the water, I would have been fishing that way.  I preferred riding wheelies on my bicycle to waiting for a fish to bite on my line or lure.

By the time I was 12 years old, I was spearing carp and shooting them with a bow and arrow.  This was a lot more exciting than waiting for those silver things called fish to bite.  We had contests to see who could kill the most carp.  While in my teens, my buddies and I would snag carp with huge hooks and deposit them on our friends doorsteps in the middle of the night after ringing their doorbell a dozen or so times.  Sometimes fire crackers were placed in their mouths.

This winter, my beautiful wife returned from a trip to the Philippines and informed our family that we were now fisherman.  Her brother insisted that our boys learn to fish.  She rushed over to Walmart and spent a large sum of money on fishing "stuff".  Most of the "stuff" will end up in a scrap heap.  My wife always has grand ideas until she realizes the work involved in projects.  I get the pleasure of paying for and implementing her projects.

I have dragged her across the country on camping trips with fishing poles and lures.  Not once has she ever asked to get her fishing license.  The kids usually cast their line and bait into the water until either the bale of the reel or end of the rod falls into the water causing them to give up and do something fun like running around the playground rather than wait for a stupid fish to bite.

I have a garden shed full of broken fishing rods and reels.  My kids tend to get bored with fishing and somehow lose half of their gear before we reach the water.

My wife is determined to make fisherman out of all us.  She has no idea what she is doing.  She drives to Walmart countless times and brings home hooks, line, and sinkers and tell us in an excited voice "Let's go fishing!"  I say "Where?"  She say funny things like "Anywhere there is fish".  I try to explain that most of the mountain lakes for trout are frozen until June or July.   The reservoirs near us are usually hot, ugly, and require a boat.  We don't own a boat and my wife hates the heat.  On a recent trip to a small lake in Garin Regional park,  she set out to catch bass with salmon eggs.  Mmm.."those are for trout honey".

I do my best to explain to her that we need a plan.  I advise that ocean fishing is different from fresh water fishing.  It does not matter to her.  She just wants to go fishing.  She does not seem to understand that each specie of fish has a different diet.  Bait is bait and a hook is a hook.

She got a little mad when I told her I would not take the kids fishing unless they practiced in the back yard.  I was not going to let her or the boys snag my prize trout lures that I have owned for 25 years.  Even though fishing is not my sport, I take it serious and love to catch and eat fish.  Never in my life would I waste my time for catch and release fishing.  That rates up there with watching bowling on a late night TV.

Last weekend she dragged us all out of bed at 4:30 AM.  She is known to stay up until 4:30 AM, but never in my life have I ever seen her get out of bed to do something and smile about it.  We drove 100 miles round trip for her to watch people fishing at Pillar Point in Half Moon Bay.  She brought 3 poles set up for fresh water fishing.  Of course we did not have any bait to put on our small hooks.  She asked me on the way over if I had my tackle box that I use for trout fishing.  I told her that trout are fresh water fish and don't usually live in the ocean.  A lure is a lure to her.  She is driving me crazy.  While she was "fishing" with my youngest son Zachary, I explored the nearby tide pools.  That was fun!

She watches Youtube for hours about shooting fish with arrows propelled from a sling shot.  These crazy videos have other shows of "interest" such as digging for clams with a device that resembles a water cannon.  She had me watching a video of this crazy Hawaiian hanging by giant diaper in tree with a sling shoot and arrows shooting at wild pigs.  She liked the sound of the pig squealing after he got hit!

Yes, we are still happily married.  I keep weapons away from her.  We have several Airsoft Pistols that she is afraid to operate.  Nerf guns are banned in our house.  Yet she wants to go and kill wild animals!  This scares me.

Every time she sees a wild turkey running around the hills, she gets all excited about shooting one with a sling shot!   I don't understand how she goes from catching fish to shooting wild pigs & turkeys all in the same breath.

She jumps from one adventure to another.  Her latest idea for me to make (not her) is PVC fishing pole that uses a short line that you drop into the rocks to catch eels and rock fish.  I think she calls it poke fishing.  It's a near death experience because it requires you to crawl on slippery rocks and carefully drop your hook and line a hole where rock fish like to hide.  I need to find out if it's illegal because if it is, then maybe she will move on to another method of fishing that is safer.

If you think this is bad, her girl friend Melissa got her into all kinds of weird stuff like eating wild plants and herbs.  They buy gallons of vodka and use it to make potions from wild herbs that they buy from a company in Oregon.  We spend hundreds of dollars on stuff that looks like what I used to dump out of the lawn mower bag.  I wonder if this company gets their stuff at the city composting pile.

When Idy and Mellisa go on hikes, they call it foraging.  I call it tempting Mr. Poison Oak.  I see  cattle and wild animals eating grass and other things.  But these girls are having their husbands eating thistles and nettles!

I am not a gun or fishing guy.  And I sure aint no Euell Gibbons.  My wife and her girl friend Melissa are trying to make the men of their homes eat off the land and drink all kinds of home-made magic potions made from "edible"wild herbs that look and smell awful.  If she just sticks to fishing, then maybe I might be okay.  Maybe I can take her to the fish tanks at Ranch 99 (Asian Market)  that stock live fish to eat.  We can bring them home and "catch" them in the bath tub.

 

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